'It’s the first and last thing I think of every day': Teacher who barricaded herself into Sandy Hook bathroom with pupils reveals how she is haunted by the attack one year on

  • Kaitlin Roig-DeBellis has taken nearly a year off from teaching after gunman Adam Lanza shot 20 children
  • 30-year-old recalls how her class huddled together in silence thinking they were going to die

By Daily Mail Reporter

PUBLISHED: 19:34 EST, 13 December 2013 | UPDATED: 01:37 EST, 14 December 2013

It has been a year since Kaitlin Roig-DeBellis saved the lives of 15 children, as she barricaded her pupils in a tiny bathroom at Connecticut's Sandy Hook Elementary School.

The teacher doesn't know if Adam Lanza ever entered her classroom, but her quick thinking  undoubtedly saved the lives of her pupils as they huddled together terrified.

The 30-year-old, who has taken nearly a year off work, recalled the terrifying sounds during the 11-minute shooting that killed 26 people, including 20 six and seven year olds.

Survivor: Kaitlin Roig-DeBellis has taken time away from teaching after barricading her class in a bathroom during the Sandy Hook shooting

Survivor: Kaitlin Roig-DeBellis has taken time away from teaching after barricading her class in a bathroom during the Sandy Hook shooting

'I am so aware that roles could have so easily been reversed,' Mrs Roig-DeBellis, who could hear gunfire and terrified pleas from the hallway and neighboring classroom, said.

'I remember, in the days after, it was so hard to get out of bed,' she said, as she sat on a sofa in her Greenwich, Connecticut home.

'I just walked around singing Amazing Grace just over and over and over, because it was just so incredibly hard.'

 

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'In my mind constantly is what my students went through, and I think about the lives that were lost. So it’s not so much a realization that a year has passed. It truly is a constant, all the time,' she told the Daily Telegraph.

The December 14 tragedy at Sandy Hook, among the most deadly school shootings in U.S. history, rocked the leafy, suburban town 70 miles northeast of New York City.

Coming just five months after a gunman opened fire in a Colorado movie theater, killing 12, the murder of 20 six and seven-year-olds forced a national reckoning about gun violence.

Lanza, a 20-year-old loner who appears to have had severe emotional problems, used guns that had been bought legally by his mother, Nancy. 

Never forget: Families of the 26 victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting have started a website, MySandyHookFamily.org to honor their loved ones

Never forget: Families of the 26 victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting have started a website, MySandyHookFamily.org to honor their loved ones

Victims: A composite shows the six teachers and 20 students who were killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School last December. Their newly-released death certificates show most died of multiple gun wounds

Victims: The six teachers and 20 students who were killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School last December

Tribute: Crosses and a Star of David were erected in memory of the victims

Tribute: Crosses and a Star of David were erected in memory of the victims

He killed her in her bed, then drove to the elementary school he had once attended, shooting his way in just as the school day was getting started. After the rampage, he shot himself.

When he entered the school, Mrs Roig-DeBellis's class was seated in a circle, sharing their holiday traditions.

'I got up, I closed the door, I turned the lights off and I turned to my students and I said: "We need to get into the bathroom - right now",' she said.

Life after Sandy Hook

Mark Barden, who lost his son, Daniel, gives a long pause when asked about forgiveness.

'I'm trying to approach every bit of this with an open heart and an open mind,' Mr Barden said. 'It's a work in progress.'

Like many other Sandy Hook parents, Mr Barden has kept up a punishing schedule in the past year, traveling to Washington to meet lawmakers to support a gun law that stalled in the Senate, and promoting the work of Sandy Hook Promise.

'Maybe it has saved me,' he said of the group. 'The way that Daniel lived his short life, I know that he would have done a whole lot of good. We take it very seriously now that it's our responsibility to do that good work.'

For Mr Barden, every day is an anniversary. The last haircut. The last swim team practice. The last Thanksgiving.

'A lot of the memories are happy. But we're still so new at this. It's still so early on that it's hard not to get caught up in the grief,' he said.

The bathroom was not more than 3ft by 4ft, too small to even hold a sink. Children climbed on to the toilet, behind the toilet. One perched on the toilet paper dispenser.

Mrs Roig-DeBellis used a storage unit to barricade the door.

'They were hearing exactly what I was hearing. It was extremely loud. It was extremely scary,' she said.

'I said to them, I said I need you to know that I love you all very much,' she told ABC News earlier this year.

'I thought that was the last thing they were ever going to hear. I thought we were all going to die.'

About 45 minutes later, when the police arrived, Mrs Roig-DeBellis would not let them in.

'I didn't believe them. I told them if they were cops, they could get the key,' she said.

For days after, she was in a daze, unsure if she was alive or dead.

She ended up taking more than a year off from teaching, and has devoted that time to Classes4Classes, a charity that promotes acts of kindness between groups of students.

She plans to return to teaching this summer. 'What happened that day has nothing to do with being a teacher,' she said.

The shootings shocked the nation and led President Obama to propose a series of new gun-control measures, including an expansion of federal background-check laws.

Those efforts were blocked in the U.S. Senate after some lawmakers argued the changes would be onerous to law-abiding gun owners.

Nightmare: Children are led out of the Sandy Hook elementary school after the shooting

Nightmare: Children are led out of the Sandy Hook elementary school after the shooting

In a report released last month, state investigators said Lanza acted alone. His motive and reason for targeting Sandy Hook, a school he once attended, remain a mystery, the report said.

Gunman: Adam Lanza opened fire at his old elementary school on December 14, 2012

Gunman: Adam Lanza opened fire at his old elementary school on December 14, 2012

As the nation prepares to mark the first anniversary of the massacre, Newtown has asked the public to stay away.

For her part, Mrs Roig-DeBellis has planned a trip - a spa visit and maybe a dinner - anything to turn her focus from the excruciating sadness of that day.

'It’s the first thing I think of, I think of it all day long, and it’s the last thing I think of before I go to bed,' she said.

After the attack, parents' group Sandy Hook Promise opened up to help families who lost children, and to campaign against gun violence.

The parents often talk about their struggle to break through the feeling of helplessness. Parent Together, an effort Sandy Hook Promise began in November, works to show people, regardless of their politics, that gun violence can be prevented.

'Nobody's pro gun violence. So, it's not like there's two sides to this,' Mark Barden, who lost his son Daniel, said.

'If we can save another family from going through what we are going through, then I can feel good about that for the rest of my life,' he added.

Residents have asked the media to stay away as they mark a year since the attack.

Terrified: As Adam Lanza carried out his attack, Kaitlin and her class huddled in silence, listening to the gunfire and pleas for help

Terrified: As Adam Lanza carried out his attack, Kaitlin and her class huddled in silence, listening to the gunfire and pleas for help

Traumatic: For days after the shooting Kaitlin says she was in a daze as she tried to come to terms with what happened

Traumatic: For days after the shooting Kaitlin says she was in a daze as she tried to come to terms with what happened

First Selectman Pat Llodra said on Monday: 'We can't choose to not have this horrible thing happen to us. It happened. We cannot make it un-happen ... But we can choose how we react to it.'

'We don't need to be reminded. We don't need to relive it. We live it every day. We carry it with us,' she added.

The families of victims have created a website, Mysandyhookfamily.org, to honor their loved ones.

The website is intended to create a 'singular place of sharing, communication, and contact with the families of those who lost their lives that day.'


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True hero to those children & there parents.

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There must be all too many very unfortunate victims like this who find it difficult to come to terms with what happened to them; but this story has been politicized out of all proportion.

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I can't believe some of the comments on here. I was unaffected by the deaths of the children - inasmuch as I didn't know any of them and being so remote from them in a country where we do not legally hold guns as a common occurrence. But I feel for the families in their grief - and for this brave teacher in hers. She was very brave, must be very traumatized, and I'm not surprised she finds it difficult to think about going back to work. For every family who lost a child that day, their lives are permanently scarred. It's tragic if your child dies through illness or accident, but horrifically so if their life is deliberately taken by another.

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And still this so called civilised country hang on to their gun culture, wake up America you ignorant fools.

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the gun is the corner stone of any civilisation...

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Those poor little children. It just breaks my heart. God rest their souls.

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I'm sat in tears reading this story,as a teacher myself it goes without saying of course you would do anything to protect the lives of anyone in this circumstances but her quick thinking saved those children she is a hero her strength and determination saved lives. She needed to try and take comfort in that. Without her quick thinking more lives could of been lost. Rest in peace little beautiful angels and their teachers.

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Wow awesome woman , I hope all you nasty people with no decency of humanity end up in a situation which changes your life completely in 15 minutes and "deal " with it ... Fools

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PatHealy -- The parents who lost a child are not asking for money for their pain and suffering; the fund was set up by parents of the children who survived and other community members. Losing a child is devastating, and the money they are raising helps the families deal with issues such as lost paychecks, funerals, etc. I know I would not be ready to jump right back into work (to be able to pay the bills) if I lost one of my children; I imagine it would be a fight to get out of bed every single day, and that would be accomplished by knowing I had to live life for my surviving children. That fund gives them the resources to be able to grieve without the weight of bills on their shoulders- because we all know the bills and the rest of life's pressures don't stop for a grieving person...

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She was a hero last year and should have accepted the congratulations and let it alone. Now she has become a "Drama queen" and attention seeker. ENOUGH ! Too much of a good thing !

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Wow, I thought Atticus Finch was a nice person! Comments like his are really really not needed.

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